people make me crazy.

Every so often, I step back and realize how ironic it is that I, an introvert who detests small talk and strangers, have a job that requires me to speak pleasantly with strangers all day long. And when some strange guy named Jay comes in and starts chatting me up while I'm trapped behind a cash register, I have no choice but to speak pleasantly with him (so as not to offend a customer) until he finally senses the "get the hell away from me" vibe that I am transmitting with all of my power. Twice, he has verbally accosted me. Asking me things like "are you in school," "do you like this job," "what do you want to do with your life," "do you play chess," "do you play cards," "do you like reality TV," and so on.

Honestly, I know nothing about this kind of thing, and this very well could be the paranoia typing, but I felt somewhat hit on. I mean, he was chatting at me, and then he had to walk away when an actual customer came to actually buy books in an actual transaction. I actually thanked the woman for getting him away from me, and she told me I was quite welcome. She bought her books and left. I thought I was safe. Two minutes later, Jay came back and immediately resumed chatting me up about completely asinine things. It seemed like years before he finally left.

I felt kind of violated. I hate talking to people I don't know, and I doubly hate talking to male people I don't know. Was he trying to flirt with me, or was he just insane, or simply desperate for someone to talk to? At any rate, I don't care. I just want him to stay away from me. Every Friday night, I worry that he'll come in and talk to me again. Makes me crazy that he would take advantage of the fact that I am forced to speak pleasantly to him and can't just tell him to screw off.

Why can't that adorable gay man named Shane who called me "sweetie" and thanked me for holding some books for him while he got a hot chocolate at Starbucks next door come talk to me on Friday nights while I'm stuck behind a cash register? He was sweet and genuine and did not ask me if I play chess. Why are there more Jays than Shanes? And why did I get stuck with a Jay?

Sigh. All that aside now. (A quick note: I am not referring to anyone who would read this blog.) I have reached the point once again of wanting to crack, break down, give in to the weakness and try to jump-start a relationship that has been idling and threatening to die because SOMEONE isn't keeping up their half of the bargain. Why bother telling me that you love me and you love being friends and that we'll still be friends in the future? Why bother saying those things if you don't plan to make any efforts whatsoever to keep in touch with me? Is it because you assume that I will do all the work and always be the one to shoulder all the responsibility for keeping the relationship alive? I hope not, because I'm done with that. I will not do that anymore. I am a person worthy of being pursued instead of always being the pursuer.

So when I arrive here at this crossroads of loneliness and missing you and wanting to be strong and not pathetic, what am I to do? What I want to do and what I must do are two entirely separate things. My only recourse is to stop visiting your Myspace, stop looking at your picture, stop listening to songs that remind me of you, and stop thinking about you altogether until perhaps one day when you might e-mail ME out of the blue because you missed me and wanted to talk to me. That's how this has to go.

And it makes me crazy.