The other night, I told my mother that I would rather have cancer than have to deal with my broken computer. The sad/scary thing about that is that I really meant it at the time. My computer is still broken, and I am currently posting this from my mother's computer. And at the moment, I don't necessarily feel like having cancer and a perfect computer. I would still rather have a lot of bad things than a broken computer, but maybe not cancer.

Mom and I decided that same night (right after I banged my head really hard on the windowsill by accident and starting bawling my eyes out, and not because it hurt physically [though it did], but because I'd had such a terrible day and was depressed and everything) that I have to go back to therapy. I'm not really sure about who to call or where to go, but I just have to do it. I don't want to be depressed for the rest of my life.

I bought a 30GB iPod. It's black and pretty. It also put an enormous dent in my bank account.

I was in the shower this morning, and I suddenly remembered that night during sophomore year at Biola when we were in Steph and Alexa's room, and I was there and Amanda Bates was there and I think Alecia was there too, but I don't remember for certain. Anyway, it was pretty late, and Steph and Alexa were going to bed, and the lights were out. Alexa left the room to brush her teeth, and while she was gone, Amanda climbed up onto Alexa's bed and squished herself down into the space between the wall and the edge of the mattress so that when Alexa got up onto the bed, she could grab her and scare the crap out of her. Sure enough, Alexa came back, got into bed, and screamed bloody murder. We laughed our asses off. It was the funniest damn thing. So, here I was this morning, remembering this in the shower for whatever stupid reason, and I laughed out loud remembering it. And then I remembered everything else that happened after that with You-Know-Who. I had one of those awful moments of being torn between such fond, happy feelings and all that intense pain and anger and bitterness. Those are the moments when the word "bittersweet" is truly appropriate and truly FELT. I hate those moments.

Alecia, are you here yet??? :(