"There's a little bit of Lucas in all of us."

Right now, I am so sad that I could just crawl away into a dark hole and never come out again. I am listening to the second movement of Tchaikovsky's fifth symphony, and a good friend is far, far away from me and in pain, and I am here. It is 3:58 AM, and I have just finished watching the 1986 movie "Lucas." And this heavy sadness in my chest won't let me sleep. Maybe it's because I'm on my period. Maybe not. Whatever it is, I can't make it go away.

My friend is hurting, and she needs a hug and a shoulder and an ear, and I can't give her any of those. Because I'm stranded here. Here, here, here. Stuck here. I hate it here. Not San Jose. Not this house. Just HERE. This place, wherever it is that I am.

I want to be in New York looking for the vans, the big vans full of equipment as they shoot "SVU" on the street. I want to be in Australia on a ferry as it goes under the bridge in Sydney. I want to be in the Lake District in England, having tea and hot cross buns with my friend and her family. I want to be in Alaska with Natalie. I want to be in La Mirada and Whittier and Brea and La Habra. I want to be in Zimbabwe, building homes and schools and churches for AIDS orphans. I want to be in Indiana with my sister, and in Texas with my other sister and my friends that also live there. I want to be on Babylon 5, trying to bring peace to the galaxy. I want to be at the North Pole where there is nothing but ice. I want to be on that island with Kate and Jack and Sawyer and Hurley. I want to be on my national book tour. I want to be in those rolling credits that no one stays in the movie theater to watch.

I want to be happy.

But I'm here. Here. Always here. With this weight around my neck that makes me want to lie down and never get up again. Ironic. Considering it's 4:13 AM, the time when I should be lying down, but I'm not.

At least I still have the television. I've still got "Gilmore Girls" and "Pepper Dennis" and "One Tree Hill" that I taped this week. At least that's something. That's something.

I'll go lie down now.