"It has occurred to us..."

I realized this evening that, ironically enough, as much as I love television and am hopelessly addicted to it, I am hard pressed to find an experience with a television show that has not ultimately been a painful one. I don't know why I never realized this before. Buffy? Painful. Angel? Most painful television experience ever. Alias? Painful to the extent that I've simply forced myself to become numb at this point. Smallville? Excruciating. Deep Space Nine? I still have not fully recovered from this one. Dark Angel? One of those bittersweet things that ends up being more bitter than sweet. Roswell? One of the most depressing final seasons ever for me. ER? Another one that I've simply had to become numb to out of necessity. Law & Order: SVU? The whole Alex situation makes my heart hurt. Enterprise? A punch in the gut and a kick in the balls. Monk? One word: Sharona. And now Battlestar Galactica has become a source of much woe as well. What the hell is wrong with me? Why do I do this to myself? Why watch TV when I know it's only going to hurt me? I must be totally insane.

I think, honestly, the only television shows that haven't ended up tainted by bad memories of how upset they made me are JAG, The X-Files, Gilmore Girls, and Veronica Mars. Even then, it's probably only because I bailed on JAG and X-Files before things got too awful for me, and the same pretty much goes for Veronica Mars. I haven't witnessed the destruction of that one yet. And unfortunately, Gilmore Girls seems to be heading into the familiar territory of 'Ellen hurts when she watches'.

The only reason I thought about this at all was because I just finished Season Two of Babylon 5, and it really succeeded in breaking my heart. So, I was depressed, and I was thinking about how I would have to add B5 to my list of TV shows that had broken my heart, when suddenly I realized that that list has pretty much every TV show I ever invested in on it. And I was amazed. I guess this really is a true addiction. I am hooked on a thing that has proven to be a source of great distress for me, and I couldn't stop even if I tried.

My mother is constantly telling me that "it's just a TV show, don't get so upset." True, it is only television. Lies on film. It's not real. But does that make any difference to me? Of course not. I explained it to her this way: the way I feel about TV characters is the way children and some imaginative adults feel about their imaginary friends named Fabio or Dwight or Mrs. Floppingham. They aren't really real, but the person cares about the imaginary friend just as though he or she is real. My sister had an imaginary friend named Squibby when she was younger, and she was so attached to him, I wondered if he would ever go away. I never had imaginary friends. Even so, that's kind of how I feel about characters. If they are written well enough to be three-dimensional, they become real people to me that I care about as though they were real friends. So when one of my friends gets killed or disappears or has something terrible happen to them or does something so out of character that it is disparaging, it hurts me. And when my friends start being mean to each other or hurting the ones they love (that I also love), it just kills me. It keeps me awake at night worrying about it and about them and about how I feel about it and them. I know I'm not alone in having shed actual tears of actual grief (of sorts) over such a silly fictional thing as TV. I just don't know how to do it any other way. I should stop watching TV because maybe then I would only have to deal with the depressing aspects of my actual life, but that's never.going.to.happen. So I'll just be crazy forever, knowingly investing emotionally in things that can only break my heart in the end.

I really think I might be nuts. I slept terribly last night because of how upset I was over Babylon 5, and I woke up feeling awful. I felt slightly nauseated all day, and there was this yawning, empty sadness inside me. It was because of the show, but also not. It was like the show gave my heart an excuse to feel the pain that I pretend isn't there all the time. I wanted to send the discs back to Netflix and never watch another episode of Bablyon 5 again, and all because I wasn't sure I could bear to continue on with the remaining characters and the story, knowing what had been lost and what shouldn't have happened. I am struck by how similar that idea is to my life as a whole. Sometimes, I am not sure I can bear to continue on with the remaining people in my life and my story as a human being knowing what I have lost and what shouldn't have happened.

Predictably, though, I will grit my teeth and order the next season of Babylon 5 from Netflix. I will because there are still friends that I love that I have to follow through the remaining story arc, and there are questions that need answers, as much as it hurts to continue. Just like my life.

I still think I'm touched in the head.