Stress.

I'm starting to feel those anxious pains in my stomach again. I always get them every time I'm feeling particularly nervous about something, but there's nothing for me to feel nervous about right now. So I feel slightly nauseated and edgy for no apparent reason. Sometimes, I even notice my heart beating faster and louder than normal, like I'm about to give a speech in public or something. I didn't eat anything at dinner because my stomach was twisting itself all up.

I got a raise. Woo. I went to work last night and almost couldn't find the motivation to do anything. Just...blah. Deflated.

I jabbered about Harry Potter in therapy this week. I also talked about how hard it was to be an RTF major and female. How the entire film festival audience laughed at my work that I was so proud of. And I was proud of it not just because I thought it turned out well and said what I wanted to say, but because I did it by myself. No boys to help me. I think She helped me a little with the lighting, but everything else was me. Editing, equipment, everything. I finally got to get my hands dirty and actually make a film, and I wasn't relegated to watching over a boy's shoulder while he did all the work. I was so proud of myself and the final result of my work, I could have exploded. And then all of Sutherland Auditorium started laughing at my film, and by extension the close friends of mine in the film and all the women it represented. That was one of the most humiliating experiences of my whole life. Now, I can't watch that film without remembering how mortified and stupid I felt.

I don't know why my stomach is having a cow.